I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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