Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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