i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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