The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
