I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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