You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
