Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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