When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
