I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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