I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
