i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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