Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
