Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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