I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize