then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The best revenge is premature balding
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
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