i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
