You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
