I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
