I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
