It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
dude. I can hear the air.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
