I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Houston, we have a squirter
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
