Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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