I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
