I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
