he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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