I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
