My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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