Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
