He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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