Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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