watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
