im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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