Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
