Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
