I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am naked and annoyed.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
