How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
