I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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