mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
