sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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