I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
