Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
