he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
