tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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