So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
