Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You're like the curious george of whores
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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