I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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