I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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