Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
