The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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