So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
