I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
